


The Onerous Onset

by Reccu



Series: Another Series of Unfortunate Events [1]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Multi, Post Unfortunate Gen, Same mistakes made
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-04-08 08:31:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19103476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reccu/pseuds/Reccu
Summary: The children of Fiona and Klaus grow up not knowing about VFD, the same mistakes of the Sugarbowl Gen have been made but now A resentful Quigley has guardianship over their children Lance, Briar, and Ciro Baudelaire and is behaving as monstrously as Olaf





	1. Chapter 1

Three children sat together on a boardwalk,fog closing in all around them.The eldest of the three,Lance stood and fiddled with the inner workings of a clockwork watch while his younger sister Briar showed their infant sibling,Ciro how to skip rocks wit those she had flattened with her four sharp teeth “This watch should chime every hour now!” exclaimed Lance with a satisfied smile as he re-applied the clock face to the watch “That's good,but we should be heading home soon,it's almost time for lunch” “Chu!” I’m hoping we have cucumber sandwiches today!  
Suddenly out of the heavy fog they heard a lot of sniffling and sneezing,two adult men were holding handkerchiefs to their faces,they were very well dressed in pinstriped suits.”We’re dreadfully sorry Baudelaires,but your house was destroyed in a fire.” said the first between sneezes,the second stopped sniffling long enough to add “Your parents perished inside,and we will be taking you to a guardian they specified you should be entrusted to in their will.” after a long stretch of sullen silence,Lance finally asked ”Who are you?”  
“Oh! Sorry children we are bankers,my name is Edgar Poe” Said the man who sneezed frequently  
“Mine is Albert Poe.”  
added the man who seemed to have chronic sniffles   
“Due to the fact we must deal with your parents financial assets,we must also deal with you three as stated in the will”.  
The three children simply stared at the ground as the brothers escorted them to their car,silently worrying about their new guardian and despairing over their now dead parents.

The bankers were kind enough to offer them a cot in their guest room to share,and a bland dinner of boiled chicken and peas they tried not to be ungrateful but the bankers weren’t very helpful at explaining why the fire occurred or why bankers were dealing with the will instead of a member of the government.After a few days they explained that they had just gotten the papers in order and were taking them to the new guardians home,which was luckily just across from theirs.  
”But who is this new guardian?”  
“Quigley Quagmire,he is your 3rd cousin twice removed on your fathers side”  
A.Poe explained as they walked over to the house,it was a simple house,that was simply big with a neatly trimmed lawn and basic white paint,the bankers knocked on the door  
“Come in,the door is open”replied a voice  
The bankers entered with the children and noticed a lanky man with shoulder length hair reclining on an armchair,Reading a small volume  
“You can leave the children Albert”  
as soon as the banker had made his way back down the street,he stood and faced the children  
“Hello Baudelaires,I’m sorry to say I’ll be holding you to a higher standard than your parents did,you will respect me,and you will do chores to maintain this house due to the fact I won’t be able to employ servants any longer to pay for your needs”  
“We are used to doing chores so that isn’t very much of a problem,and we will be as respectful to you as possible sir,'' replied lance  
“Well that’s all fine and good,but these chores must be done,and they must be done quickly,or there will be consequences..’’   
And with that he pulled a folded up piece of paper from his suit jacket and handed it to them,in tiny neat script what seemed like a million tasks that needed doing were written down  
“Y-yes sir”  
“Your bedroom is up the stairs,two doors to right”  
The children quickly fled up the stairs and away from that strange conversation,and found he had only given the three of them one bed   
“One bed!” expostulated Briar   
“Quiet down Briar,he might be listening”  
“Seriously does he have some sort of grudge against us,we just met him!”  
“Fip!” So much for first impressions!  
“Mom always used to say we should make the best out of the worst,so what;s ok about our situation right now”  
“Well one,we have a bed,Two at least our new guardians grudge is only a spiteful one,and not y’know,a murderous grudge”  
“Come on Briar,He’s probably just as nervous as us!”  
“Nervous! Are you hearing yourself Lance?”  
“Lets just give him a chance! That's all I’m saying!”  
“Une” One more chance  
“Children! You should be starting your chores about now!”  
They heard him shout from the parlor  
“Hmmph!”

Every day started like this,Quigley shouting for them to start their chores the three sweeping,scrubbing,mopping,wiping,polishing and organizing for hours on end leaving their hands red and sore until Quigley would return home and scrutinize the work they did and then abscond up to his ‘Workspace’ in the highest room, none of them were allowed in and they could only theorize what he did up there. Aside from the mystery of his workspace, the children also constantly worried about that ran from his septum to his chin and the tattoo of an eye on his wrist. All of them had a distinct feeling that they were important but couldn’t discern why..  
But one day before Quigley set off, he informed them of an extra task they would have to do that day  
“You will prepare a stuffed duck for my meeting with fellow snow scout alumni orphans or you will be in big trouble”  
“Yes sir”  
He left just as quickly as usual, and once he was down the street the children started talking  
“I just realized, does he even know our names??”  
“Of course h-You might be right..”  
“He only ever calls us children and orphan!”  
“Pon!” I think he doesn’t know our names!  
“We’ll ask him later, but lets get started on that duck right now”  
In the kitchen, they were in their element Briar chopped the veggies and prepped the breadcrumbs,using her teeth when the knife blade got dull.Despite the lack of directions Ciro helped Lance find the right temperature, and Lance fixed the mixer so he could prepare the hollandaise sauce and by the time Quigley was home the duck was ready to serve.But as they carried it out of the kitchen they came to the realization their guardian and the rest of the alumi were inebriated.  
“Wheresh the ham!” Shouted Quigley as they entered  
“You requested stuffed duck this morning,so that’s what we prepared”  
Answered Briar  
“I don’t take to inshubordination sho you besht change your tone shervant!”  
The rest of Snow Scouts stopped serving themselves and stared at their leader  
“But she was just answering your question sir!”  
“The dishreshpect!I’ll show you to talk to me like that!”  
He slapped Lance across the face  
“You’re our guardian and you don’t even know our names” Lance muttered  
“What washh THAT orphan!”  
“YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW OUR NAMES!”  
The other slap landed and Lance had to hold back tears  
“Of courshe I know your namesh! You’re Liam,the toothy brat is Blair and the ushlashh baby is named Colin!”  
They left the dining room and went up to sleep in their cramped twin bed,and try not to weep through the night.


	2. Chapter 2

The very next day after finishing their chores, The three Baudelaires walked over to the Poes’ house.  
“We can’t help you.”  
“Why not?! He hit Lance twice and demeaned us!”  
Albert sniffled at that  
“ Well the thing is, Mr.Quagmire is acting In-loco-parentis, which means he can raise you in any way he wants-provided it doesn’t go to the level of abuse, I cannot take you out of his custody unless I am witness to abuse”  
“Whatever”  
The three of them walked back, feeling more hopeless than ever, they spent the rest of the day trying to come up with ways to improve this situation by reading a book they had taken from the parlor library but nothing in guardianship and parenthood laws told them how they could emancipate themselves, but not a few hours after the children lost themselves in a book of laws they heard Quigley calling them  
“Lance!Briar!Ciro!Please come down!”  
“I’ll bet he had to ask one of the Poes what our names are”  
“I wouldn’t bet against you Briar”  
“Vek..” Lets just go down before he gets angry  
What they found when they headed down was Quigley with two bags stuffed to the brim  
“Give me a hand please “  
Though taken by surprise, not knowing that that word was even in Quigleys vocabulary, they quickly grabbed the bags and stood expectantly staring  
“The Poe brothers have brought it to my attention you three feel that I have been far too strict, and I will admit that my parenting style is a bit tougher than what you are used to and I shouldn’t be so hard on you children so soon after your parents tragic death. As a show of my well intentions I am going to prepare a meal for all three of you and I will have the Poes over for dinner” The lanky man explained as they walked into the kitchen and placed the groceries down

“Why thank you sir, we don’t want to be in your way so we’ll be heading back up to our room.”  
The words rushed out of lances mouth and the Baudelaires practically absconded away, all three of them shared looks that meant Quigley must have some ulterior motive, but they don’t start talking until they hear Quigley begin cooking  
“He invited the Poes over maybe it’s just a show of ‘Look how not abused these children are!’ ”  
“That’s obvious, but I can tell that he has some other reason than that”  
Briar pushed up her jagged bangs and secured them in place with a barrette as she paced the floor  
“We don’t have enough knowledge to go off of right now, I have to go down and see if I can dissect him with some questions”  
“Please watch yourself, you know how testy he can get”  
“Fik!” I just know you’ll find out what he’s up to!  
“I will”  
With that Briar slipped down to the kitchen and pretended to make herself a glass of water but something caught her off guard, a few branches covered in small black berries and violet flowers, the berries were round and shiny like doll eyes..  
“I don’t mean to be bothersome sir, but what will you be using those blueberries for”  
“Ah I see how you could be confused, but those berries are actually Atropa Belle Femme,” He made a throaty chuckle as he finished stirring the pot of angelhair and turned to look at her  
“I’ve found they take away from the acidity of this pasta sauce.”.  
Briar shot him a quick smile and scurried back to her siblings, almost spilling the water on herself  
“We can’t eat dinner tonight, he’s got a mystery ingredient!” she whisper-shouted, which is to say whispered far more loudly than she intended, as she entered the room  
“He seemed smug about it too, he definitely has plans for whatever it was”  
She paused to snap as she remembered something  
“He said it was Atropa Belle Femme! That’s french right?”  
“I know dad taught us some french but I forgot a lot of it.”  
“I remember mom teaching us about plants, well at least mushrooms, Atropa sounds like a genus!”  
“Dona!!” Belle Femme means Bella Donna!!  
They stared at each other in stunned silence realizing their guardian was planning to kill them.


	3. Chapter 3

As the fiery glow of the evening fled into the purple ash of night the Baudelaires reminisced on a day with a similar sky that they had spent together in the parlor of their now ruinous home. Briar had been reading a book about the physical tells of liars, Lance had been tinkering with an old spyglass had lent him that had a broken lens, and Ciro sat gnawing on his fingers thinking about what his mother had taught him yesterday.  
When their parents entered, they tossed out a napkin that was tied at the ends and very soiled, when asked why they had pretended to eat instead of decline to eat, to which their mother replied,  
“It is more polite but much more suspicious to pretend to eat rather than decline food, even if it tastes like the bottom of a shoe.”.  
“But this meal won’t taste like rubber and dirt, this meal will be ACTUAL POISON!” Briar almost shouted, but caught herself on time  
“We can fake eating it and then after dinner we can show the Poes the belladonna branches!”  
“Lod!” We can spit the food onto our napkins after each couple of bites!  
“Alright but we will act like we are enjoying the food very much, but don’t over-act!”  
The three nodded to each other just as the got called down by Quigley  
“I know you children are all very well mannered and won’t go shouting absurd lies while our guests are enjoying their meals, such as ‘He’s been a pure and true monster to us in the few weeks he’s been our guardian!’ or ‘He only gave us one bed!’ but as a little bit of insurance I’ll be taking the baby,”  
He paused and reached out and attempted tugging Ciro out of Lances grip, he held tight as Ciro shrieked as the spindly fingers with sharp nails wrapped around him and pulled him from his brothers grasp, the young babe felt that he had the door of an iron maiden shutting on him.

“And you children will be showering me with the praise and acclaim that I rightfully deserve for taking you in during dinner!”  
He ended with a grin most commonly found on reptiles with less than no remorse,and walked off with a slow and purposeful stride as anger and fear rose in Lance and Briars gullets when they watched the beast walk off with their baby brother.  
“He’s heading to his study, do you have your pliers on you Lance?”  
“I always do”  
“Think you can improvise a lockpick?”  
“Anytime”  
As Quigley returned, they pretended to look like they had surrendered already,Heads hung low as they stared at the space between their feet,each knowing their part of the plan and thinking of how to best execute it while Ciro sat on the floor of the study, hoping his siblings would be able to save him, as they set the table they shared conspiratorial glances as they placed the forks down, Lance stopping to pocket one for himself. As they finished this they hear to simultaneous knocks at the front door, and took their seats as Quigley lead the cold ridden bankers to the table,he pointed at his toothy smirk while shooting them a death glare, giving them similar ‘smiles’ and a worrisome feeling in the pit of their stomachs.  
“Tonight I made pasta puttanesca with a special twist! Please give me a moment while I get it from the kitchen.”.  
The children and the bankers sat in semi-silence as they waited for Quigley to come back and the bankers attempted to talk through their hankerchiefs. When Quigley returned he served the Poes first before going back to the kitchen to get a different pot of pasta sauce to spoon out onto the angel hair pasta. Briar Immediately began pretending to eat as Quigleys smirk seemed to widen past his face, as his eyes gleamed with that bright sheen they got when he knew something bad was about to happen to someone.  
“Excuse me sir,”  
“Yes?” He snapped  
“I need to go to the bathroom”  
“Fine..”  
He turned back to Briar, the serpent smile returning to his sharp features as she rained fake compliments and spat into her napkin each time she raised it to ‘dab’ at the sauce on her cheeks. He watched her occasionally throwing questions into conversation, such as “You feeling thirsty Briar dear? I can fetch you some water” and he kept making eye contact with her, Briar could tell he was watching her for the symptoms of poisoning, she pretended to cough here and there but just kept complimenting his cooking skill, it felt to her the dinner had lasted hours when suddenly Quigley stood and hissed  
“Wheres the boy!”  
“He’s in the bathroom, he just really likes to make sure his hands are clean before dinner” “Sounds sensible” “Very sensible”  
chimed in the Poes, Quigley quickly rushed to his study, mumbling obscenities under his breath and open the door to find Lance standing in the doorway to greet him,with a clever smile  
“Sorry sir, after I finished washing my hands thoroughly I wanted to make sure Ciro had everything he needed.” .  
With that Quigley tugged Lance and Ciro along with him to the dinner table to find Briar had cleaned her plate and was droning on with compliments about Quigley  
“You’re okay!?!”  
“Well of course sir, the Poes are perfectly safe gentlemen.”she added with a clever and sharp grin of her own which caused Quigley to stare in disbelief at the shared smiles of the children, as if sharing an inside joke about him, his face turned red as herring and he began shouting  
“You bratty ingrates think some things funny?! Well wipe that smile off your face shark pup! You’re gonna die soon!” He added with a high pitched cackle,he turned and ground his teeth as he grunted  
“Hopefully soon enough so you don’t have to watch me tear your beloved brother to smithereens..”  
The Poes stared at him with disbelief and the worried face of someone who’s come to a startling yet obvious realization  
“You do not talk to children in that way!”  
“Sir if you speak to these orphans that way I think what they told us today must be true!”  
His glance flipped between the Baudelaires and the Poes and he knew his only option  
“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE”  
He shouted as ungracefully made an escape, the children followed as the Poe brothers stared in bewilderment, Briar threw her napkin full of poisoned pasta and hit him and watched as the lanky man galloped like a stallion into the cover of night.


End file.
